Always
by ultraviolent-gypsy
Summary: "Kelly, you have to tell the firehouse where you are. You can't disappear like this. They have already lost..." she tried to say, but he stood up and yelled "I don't give a shit about them! Leave me alone!" and he ran towards the door. He slammed it open and sped down the stairs, leaving Erin speechless. "Where are you going?" she screamed, but he was already outside the building.
1. Chapter 1

It was almost 7 P.M. Erin Lindsay was sitting on the couch, reading a book and enjoying her day off. Everything was unusually quiet around her – too quiet for an apartment in downtown Chicago. She had been reading for half an hour, when the unusual silence was broken by the sound of heavy steps on the stairs. She didn't pay attention to it – maybe one of her neighbours was in a hurry. She kept on reading, but then she heard someone call her name, and a loud bang on the door. She jumped, recognizing Kelly Severide's voice. "Erin! Erin!". She threw the book on the floor and stood up, while he kept banging. His voice was cracking. "Erin, open the door!". She rushed to the door and opened it; Kelly immediately put his arms around her and his head on her shoulder, and broke down in tears. Erin completely bewildered, but she knew she had to do something to calm him down. "Kelly... Kelly, what happened?" she stroked his back, while he kept holding her tighter. He was shaking and sobbing so violently that he couldn't breathe. "What happened?" she repeated, and closed the door with a foot. He pushed her against the door and kept crying and screaming, his mouth on her shoulder. She was terrified, she had never seen him cry that way before. She stroked his back and hair, and then noticed that he was still wearing his rescue squad's uniform, and his fireproof pants and boots; his face was covered in black dust. He had probably just been on a call, and that was even more confusing and frightening to her. "Baby, calm down. Please, tell me something" she said, with her calmest voice. Kelly banged his head on the door and held Erin so tight that she couldn't move. "Shay..." he tried to say between the sobs, taking small breaths "Shay..." he banged his head again and he rested it on her shoulder, wetting her neck in tears.  
>"Shay? What happened to Shay?" she whispered.<br>He kept crying, shaking in her arms, and then she heard his faint voice repeat "She's dead. She's dead".  
>Her heart stopped beating. "What?" she exclaimed.<br>Kelly suddenly raised his voice, frightening her "She's dead! Dead!" and then he broke down in tears again, unable to speak.

Lindsay managed to walk him to the couch, and let him sit down with her. His head was on her lap, and he was holding on to her left hand, almost crushing it. She kept stroking his back and hair, unable to think or say something. She couldn't process those two words: "She's dead". Leslie Shay was dead. That thought was floating around her, but it couldn't get into her brain. It was heartbreaking to see her boyfriend like that, and the only thing she could do was to calm him down; he couldn't stop shaking and crying, his skin was burning hot, and she was worried.  
>"Baby..." she said, and Severide started speaking again, but it was hard to understand, his voice was too low. "What happened?" she asked.<br>"I don't know, I don't know" he whispered, lifting his head from her thighs a little bit "We couldn't save her".

Erin let him cry as long as he had to and, putting together the small sentences he said between the sobs, she could finally understand the horrifying situation the whole 51 had been into. Propane, fire, explosion, unconsciousness, a beam came down on Shay, Dawson, Casey and he tried to do a CPR on her, she was already dead.

"While I was trying to save her, I saw the first day we met. It was like a flash. I wasn't in the building anymore, I couldn't see or hear anything. The only thing I could see was her smile when she came up to me, after meeting Dawson and Casey. '_I've been looking for a roommate_' she said, and... we connected. Immediately. I felt something for her, I can't tell what" he finally said, sitting on the couch. He had stopped crying, but he was still shaking. Lindsay was looking at him, holding his hand, unable to do anything else besides nodding. She still couldn't believe it. She didn't know Leslie Shay too much, but she was a nice girl, she helped Kelly in his darkest moments, and he loved her more than anything. It was like she lost a good friend as well. "Do you know what she told me, then?" he briefly smiled "'_Put it back in your pants, I'm not your type. Do you have a vagina? I'm gay_' and then we started talking about Tequila" Kelly faintly laughed, and then his smile faded away again. Erin pulled a smile: Shay was such a funny type, she was never afraid to speak her mind. "And do you know the last thing she told me? '_I love you. We'll figure this out?_' and I said '_Always_'. We promised we would be there for each other, always. Always" and his voice cracked again, letting the tears run down on his smoky cheeks. Erin hugged him again, and whispered in his ear "You did. You have always been there for each other".  
>"But I couldn't save her!" he suddenly screamed, scaring her again "I was there, but I couldn't save her. I failed".<br>"Don't say that. You did your best, Kelly. Leslie knows that, wherever she is now".  
>Erin was used to helping people with the loss of their loved ones, being a detective she had been there too many times, but this time it felt different. She wasn't helping a stranger, it was her boyfriend. She knew him too well, anything could make him break down and make mindless moves. He couldn't control himself when he was suffering, and he had just lost his only anchor, besides her. She was afraid for him, she didn't know what he would do. She had to protect him.<br>Suddenly, a voice came out of his radio. "Severide! Severide!". It was Chief Boden. "Severide, where the hell are you? Respond!" and Kelly took off the device from his suspenders and threw it against the wall. It cracked open, and the batteries fell on the floor.  
>"I can't go back" he said in a whisper.<br>"Kelly, you have to tell the firehouse where you are. You can't disappear like this. They have already lost..." she tried to say, but he stood up and yelled "I don't give a shit of them! Of anyone! Leave me alone!" and he ran towards the door. He slammed it open and sped down the stairs, leaving Erin speechless on the couch. "Where are you going?" she screamed, but he was already outside the building.


	2. Chapter 2

Kelly ran down the stairs, tears were still flooding out of his eyes. Why couldn't Erin understand? He thought she was the only one able to understand him – as she would always say, they were cut from the same cloth – but, this time, she wasn't. He slammed the door and walked out of the building, fearful that Erin would follow him and try to stop him. He had to go somewhere he could not be found; the Squad knew where he was, since he forced his men to stop the truck out of Erin's apartment, but he didn't care if everyone was worried about him. He didn't care of anything. He just wanted to be alone with himself, the only one that could really understand him. He started walking around, aimless, trying not to think about what happened not even one hour before. It all looked so unbelievable in his brain, but he could still hear the explosion, smell the smoke, feel Shay's cold hand in his. He had to be brutally pushed away from her, when the stretcher was carried into the ambulance. He couldn't let go of her hand: she was still alive, he knew it, she couldn't be dead. Dawson was wrong, everyone else was wrong, why wasn't anyone helping? As soon as his hand was detached from hers, everything else disappeared, he couldn't remember anything.

Erin was standing in front of her open door, not knowing what to do. Severide was gone, he wanted to be alone, so she couldn't follow him. His radio was still on the floor, the batteries under the coffee table. She picked them up and tried to put them back into the radio, and see if it still worked. She could hear some crackling when pushing the button, it was working.  
>"Chief Boden?" she said, her voice was still trembling. Silence, and then "Severide? Severide, where are you?".<br>"I'm detective Lindsay, Chief".  
>"Lindsay? Where's Severide? Is he with you?". She could feel the pain in his voice, as she'd never heard it before from Boden. This broke her heart even more.<br>"I... I don't know now, Chief. He just left. He wanted to be alone". Silence.  
>"I understand, thanks Lindsay" said Boden, in a whisper.<br>"I'm so sorry for your loss" she added, unable to say anything else. The radio went silent. She sighed, and put in on the table.

She knew Severide, his impulsive character, his mindless moves. She was scared he would get into trouble, do something harmful, but where could he be? Chicago was big, but a lonely firefighter, still in his uniform, was recognizable.

The digital clock of a pharmacy in the suburbs of Chicago told 8:30 P.M. It was already getting dark and cold. Kelly had already got rid of his fireproof pants miles before, throwing them into the filthiest garbage bin he could find in an alley, but he was still in his Squad shirt and pants. A lot of people had seen him, but he didn't mind. Who cared about a single firefighter in such a big city.  
>He sat down on the sidewalk, and all the thoughts he had tried to hold back during that long walk suddenly hit him like a knife. He didn't know where he was, he had no money, there was no way he could hide himself in a motel, or even buy a drink. He was alone, finally alone, but that was not the loneliness he wanted. Being alone with his thoughts was even more painful. He took off his sweaty shirt, letting the cold air cool down his even sweatier undershirt. There was no one around him, he could only hear dog barks and cars in the distance. The neon light of the pharmacy above him was creaking. He touched his legs, and felt something in his left pocket: it was his phone. It was still in there, turned off. He wiped the screen with his fingers, repeatedly, not knowing what to do with it. He had no one to call, everyone would immediately tell him to come back, or worse, they could locate him with the GPS. Severide sighed and turned it on, mindlessly. The first thing he saw was a beautiful picture of a smiling, drunk Shay as lockscreen wallpaper. He instantly turned it back off, and his sight was fogged with tears again.<p>

Erin checked the time again, it was still 9 P.M., even in that unknown bar. She sipped her drink, unlocked her phone, and tried to call Kelly again, but he was still out of service. No one had seen him, he was not in his apartment nor he had passed through it, his car was still there, he wasn't in any of his favorite bars. Of course he was not, he had no money with him. What could he do without money and without his car? He couldn't even spend the night in a hotel, and he had no known relatives in Chicago. She was sure he would come back in the night. This thought calmed her down a little, and she ordered another shot of whiskey.


End file.
